Ponzi

 

 

 

“Heeeeeeeyyyyyy, I can give you guaranteed, annual investment returns of 12-to-15 percent. Heeeeeeeyyyyyy.”

Hmmm … mmm

 

Chips and dip?

 

Or the most delicious Venn Diagram ever?

Poll

I’ll have the last laugh

Dreams of my father’s son

I don’t dream. Or, at least, I don’t remember my dreams. But I think I remember a dream I had last night. It was pretty weird.

Okay, so I was in this room, right? I was laying down and it was dark all around me. I could hear my slow breathing and feel my chest gently rising up and down, up and down. And my eyes were closed. This went on for about eight hours. And then, all of a sudden … I woke up.

It was one of those dreams where I didn’t know if it was a dream or reality.

Paranoia

Ken and Janice hadn’t taken a bowel movement all day. And now that they thought about it, neither had any of their four children. Seemed like a weird coincidence. A very weird coincidence. Too weird, in fact. There had to be more to it. What if … oh, my God … what if they weren’t the only ones? What if everyone in the country had gone without a bowel movement today? There would be no way to know. How long would it take for the word to get out? It’s not like people talk about their bowel movements freely and openly. It would be days. At least. More likely weeks — weeks until the country would realize that everyone was severely and hopelessly constipated. And by then it might be too late. The terrorists would have won. The terrorists — with their no-good, stinking, biological bomb that binds you up — would have won. And the United States of America would be done with. Defeated. Gone forever. Nooooooo! What to do? Hey, you there … passerby! Have you had a bowel movement today? Yes? Whew.

Discrimination

Elliott’s parents wanted him placed in the special needs class. But the school did not yet recognize a severe cowlick as a handicap.

Americans’ views on pie

And 100-percent now have a hankering for some Trivial Pursuit.

Stages of grins

 

       Grin

 

          \/

          \/

          \/

 

       Shit-eating grin

          \/

          \/

          \/

 

       Diarrhea-eating grin

Hot turducken

Turkey (Gob-bllllllle) inside of duck (Quaaaaaaack) inside of chicken (Oh, cluck. Oh, cluck. Oh, cluck. Oh, cluuuuuuuck).